Thursday, June 29, 2017

Why do people try to "help"?

Having a meltdown at work because a family member sent me a song about "In God's Time" and said it made her think about me. I know she's just trying to help but it did the complete opposite. I'm so sick of hearing that. I'm a very religious person and always have been, but I'm so tired of hearing about how this will happen when God's ready for it to. I agree with that statement, but I don't want anyone to tell me that. It makes it even worse that I have a legitimate concern that I'll never have kids at all. TTC #1sucks so much because I really don't know if I'll ever get to be a mom. I'm just sick of people trying to help and telling me it'll all be alright. I've considered telling everyone I'm back on birth control just so they'll leave me alone and let me deal with this by myself. I don't want help I just want a baby now.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Starting the Fertility Testing

DH did his semen analysis this morning. We should get the results back from that next week. Also, I'm waiting to hear back from my doctor about what she wants to do regarding my pelvic pain, irregular cycles, and the fact that I'm still not pregnant even though she told me she felt certain that I'd be pregnant by the end of June. I'm fairly certain I have endo, and that really scares me. My mom had it very bad and had to have a full hysterectomy at the age of 30. I just want to get pregnant so bad. Right now I'm just scared I'll never have my own baby.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Trying to find peace

12 DPO today and still BFNs. Yesterday I did have a positive Wondfo. Like no squinting to see the line even though it was still faint. However, it didn't get that dark until after 10 minutes and I figured it was an evap. It apparently was because I had a BFN this morning. I'm trying to find peace in my situation now. Me and DH are planning a cruise for next November and I love planning trips so I'm able to divert my attention to that. He asked "but what if you're pregnant/we have a baby", but I told him we won't even think about that. If it happens then it happens but I'm tired of basing my life around that possibility. Yesterday was pretty tough, lots of tears and emotions. AF should be here either Friday or Sunday depending on how long my LP is this month. We're definitely taking a month or two off for now. DH's SA got rescheduled for Monday, so we won't know the results of that for a while. I'm just trying to forget it all and be happy.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Just need to vent

I had a BFN again this morning at 10dpo. Normally I'm not this upset, but I as SO sure this cycle that I was pregnant. I'm trying to hide my emotions from DH as he really doesn't understand, but this is so frustrating. I scheduled his sperm analysis for Thursday morning. I know it's going to be good results, and while that'll make me feel a little better, it's also going to make this even more frustrating because I ovulate every cycle and we always time BD right. I just don't understand how I'm not getting pregnant. We're young and healthy. If his SA comes back normal, I don't know how I'm going to proceed. I haven't had an HSG yet, so there is a chance that my tubes are blocked. I'm sure we'll schedule that for a few months later if this comes back normal. I do feel like I might have some endometriosis, but I just can't take off work right now to have the lap procedure done as I just took off to have both cervical cryotherapy and a cardiac ablation done within the past couple of months.

Our 1 year anniversary is in a couple of months. I really thought when we got married that I'd definitely be pregnant, and possibly already have a baby by then. It looks like I was wrong. I'm just so tired of trying and stressing. TTC has brought out the worst of my OCD. I can't not think about it. I deleted all of my apps yesterday in hopes that it'll help me quit stressing and I'll be one of those miracle people that conceive after deciding to take a break, but deep down I know I won't be able to completely forget about TTC. Even this blog reminds me of it. I've taken probably 10 tests just since Saturday. I'm wasting money that we could be saving for a house. I'm just sick of TTC. I just want a baby.

I know a girl that did a gender reveal this past weekend for her 3rd baby (that she conceived on her first month trying, just like the last 2). It was her 3rd girl, and of course she was not happy about it being that she wanted a son. I get that she was disappointed, but all I could think about was I'd give anything just for a baby. I don't care if it's a boy or girl, it doesn't matter to me. My DH wants a son so bad, but now even he says he doesn't care what we have anymore, he just wants a baby. Lord please give us a baby soon...

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Father's Day sucked.

Today has been tough. Someone at church told my husband "I had hoped I could tell you happy Father's Day, but I guess it'll have to wait another year", and then looked at me like I was doing something wrong. As of today wasn't already hard enough. I'm sick of this. BFNs make me miserable and emotional and I can't do it anymore. Today I deleted all of my apps and I'm no longer tracking anything. I'll keep blogging somewhat, but I can't keep doing this to myself. It's miserable.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

It's really starting to hurt..

It's really starting to hurt whenever I have to see a Facebook post of another person who "accidentally" got pregnant. Or someone who started trying around the sam time as me and they already have their baby in their arms. It's starting to hurt whenever people ask when I'm going to have one, and then when I say I don't know yet they say well it'll happen at the right time. I know people mean well, but this is pretty much the worst part about TTC. Trying not to get jealous over other people's happiness. Trying not to resent people and shut them out because they have what I want so bad. Up until now I've been obsessed over getting pregnant, but now I'm obsessed with wanting a baby. I never knew there was a difference until recently. I just want a family.

Monday, June 5, 2017

My Introduction

This blog is about me and my DH of almost 1 year. I came off birth control in July 2016 after having been on it (the shot and pill) for almost 5 years. October 2016 was my first regular ovulatory cycle. Since then I have had regular 28 day cycles with the exception of 2 random 36-37 day cycles in the middle. I've yet to have my first BFP. My husband and I have yet to start any testing, as we are waiting for our 1 year anniversary to pass. I decided to start this blog to help me redirect my focus from stressing about TTC and the TWW to doing something somewhat productive. Stay tuned for more posts.

A little bit more about me. I'm pretty young but I have a desire to have a large family. I'm a paralegal and I am considering going back to law school. I absolutely love Kentucky Wildcats sports, and I think about having a baby 24/7.